Life life life.... sigh....

Emotional moment is here again... Thinking: what is the meaning of living? Is living for ourselves or others? Why are we so affected by others? Or rather, why am I so affected by others?

Every little things that I do affect others. So does others affecting me. How come people can just ignore or neglect others' feeling and do their own way? Have they not know how much an impact their result can cause to others? Have they not know their actions indirectly affects them in future? How come they be so sure that their actions will not backfired?

I always do not and cannot understand this. I try to be nice to people but somehow, people do not appreciate it and yet abuse it. To protect myself, I have to turn hostile and wary. This make my life so tiring. When I does this, this also make the other person's life very tiring too. So can't all think positively and think in the shoes of others. I am not asking people to not move forward. I am just asking people to move forward and yet looking out for other's. I know this might cause people to move slow but it is more of a win-win situation.

Think about it. I hope everything can goes more smoothly and cause less pain.

Motivation or Psycho-ed?

Last Fri, my friend, SY, dragged me to a talk that talks about making changes to yourself and hence your world. I was not keen to go as I think this is just another talk to psycho people into positive thinking and so. When I met up with my friend after work, I was shocked to find out that there are only 3 person attending this talk: me, SY and another person. This talk was introduced to SY through her friend, Mr J.

When I met up with Mr J, he brought another colleague, Mr S, along. They were colleagues in the same company while SY and Mr J were uni friends. Before the talk began, I had a stereo thinking that this talk is about thinking positive and psycho-ing people. When the talk began, the speaker, DT, talked about making changes and thinking of the source and not the result, I see a little difference. It is more than thinking positive. It also makes you think of what you really are, instead of what you think you are. This makes us accept what we are not as we are all not perfect.

When DT talked about how she talked to her boss to talk about her promotion and increment, I got alittle inspired. I also want to do that and yes I will do that. I am meeting my boss on Wed and I will take this chance to talk to him about what is his plan for me.

Today is Wed and I am looking forward to this chance to talk to him.

How to prepare for the worst?

After receiving my lady boss SMS last evening and one night of thoughts, I think today she is going to talk to me, definitely not in a good tone. How can I prepare myself not to tear in front of her? I am a very emotional person so I believe I will cry when she talked to me regarding last night SMS.

Furthermore, there is a testing today which I could not attend because of another meeting. I have a bad feeling that today testing might not to our advantage which might affect her mood. How how? I feel like I am a scapegoat or venting toy for her to vent her anger =(

I remember boss ever ask me what do I want to do over here. To be a normal person and progress as normal (which might mean slow). Or someone who is highlighted to the management and have more challenging roles and work. At this point of time, my answer is to be a normal person. Some colleagues had reflected to me, through their actions, that I cannot make it. I seriously do not know how come boss say I have the potential to make it big here. Or this is just his management talk to retain people.

The aim of the day is: how to not tear in front of my lady boss... How I wish someone is here to advise and help me... But I am all alone =(

Do not want to make enemy but made some unintentionally =(

For the past few days, I have been doing my job and I thought I did well. But I was wrong, very wrong. I try to have good working relationship with external people and my colleague but my colleague told me that I am too biased to external people.

All along, I thought by having a good relationship, I cam get things going and make people willing to work, be it for my project or other things. I was so damn wrong.

First, the entry panel on the rack is not position at the right location, causing the connectors not being able to fit properly to the entry panel. Others suggest that we can rotate the entry panel so that the connectors can fit. We tried and it works. After fixing the rack permanently, I told my lady boss this issue the next day and she is a little angry how come I did not told her this before the rack is permanently mounted. I told her the place is noisy and I can't get the idea across without showing her diagrams.

Next is the connectivity problem. Sw A and Sw B cannot operate together for long. Many people have been investigating on this for at least 2-3 months and no solution is found. Finally, external people managed to get them working together for at least 3 days. So the programmers thought they can work on the full Sw with the tested data flow method. Who knows, after they full developed the sw, the 2 Sw cannot work together for long. My lady boss want to revert to
the tested and proven working version before full development, the head of external people does not support and had a verbal fight with my lady boss. While they are fighting, I found out more what is different from the tested and proven, and the fully developed version. Before they fight, I told my lady boss that they are having farewell dinner with their colleague. This is to let her know that they would not want to work late. What is wrong with telling her this?

Thirdly is the pressure that our user given her. Our user told her that there might be a change as people might take over the user role. This means she might lose her job if we dis not get things running. My lady boss not happen that I mingle with the external people and laugh with them. I can't make the decision. What can I do? Even if I do not talk with the external people, I just quietly stand there, I will also get a nice talk from my lady boss.

I want to start a working relationship by trusting people. I do not want to start by using authority. I do not like people to use authority so I will not want to use it, unless necessary. If people abuse my trust and not producing good job, them I will yell them that they had abuse my trust and sorry have to use my authority. I understand if things did not turn out good, I will suffer but why make other people suffer my authority when there is no need to use authority.

From this incident, I can only say I do not have the freedom if executing what I believe and want to do. Is it because my rank is too low? Now I just got to say YES to everyone and everything. This really put off my morale. My fire is already low. With this, it almost extinguish. How? What should I do to have fire back? I do not want to be like those old man who just work as they are told. I do not want to be a robot. I want to lead. How how how?