Did he start to ignore my SMS or Whatsapp MSG?

Taking train and feeling moody again. Not because of knocking off from work late. It's because of him, because he don't bother to reply my SMS and Whatsapp MSG already. I think I made a mess of it by getting mad with him. It's a irreversible act. I regretted, really, very much. What can I do to make up for it? Or is there actually anything I can do to make up for it? No, I guess this is the straight forward answer.

It's worse than before, worse than the time when it's a one-sided from me. I really don't understand. If he really like me, why is he not showering me with more care and concern? He said he was waiting and after we got together, this is how he treat me? I really don't understand. I really wish to talk to him straight and direct on this. I don't like to think which might not be what he is thinking. But I also don't want to give him pressure. What should I do? I really don't know... I am lost...

The more I give thoughts to this, the more I think we jump into a relationship before we even know if we are suitable to each other. How I wish we were back to the time when we were at Ben and Jerry. I would suggest we get to know each other this time.

Maybe we should give it a second thought

It's been a month plus since we got together. Maybe I am those living in fairy tales, I always thought being in relationship is sweet, especially in the beginning. You can say I am an attention seeker. I don't like the feeling of being neglected, especially by someone I like. Maybe because you don't reply SMS often, each of your reply makes me happy. The opposite when I didn't get any response from you. This question always pop up when I felt neglected: Did we jump into a relationship before we know each other more to think that we are suitable for each other? I know you are busy with work and didn't want to go out after work. I can understand and I am okay with that. All I need is just some care and concern, in any form. Whatever you say or do, big or small, makes me happy. I always try to find answers why you didn't reply SMS or contact me. The more I try to find answers, the more they become excuses, and the more I think you don't care about me. I don't want to think this way but I just can't help it. I cannot understand how little interaction you have with your mobile. I maybe blunt but it's all from the bottom of my heart. If you think this is too much for you, maybe it's good that we give this relationship a second thought.

Very reluctantly, I made it came to an end...

Our last dinner together was 1 Jun, Fri. I thought it was going to move towards a positive direction but I was so damn wrong. He did no action to move forward and I refused to initiate to ask him out. For the past 4 weekends, I kept telling myself, don't be the one to ask him out, let him ask me instead. But what I hoped for never happen. I am very sad. I cried countless time because of this. I thought he would be the one but it seems that I am so damn wrong and disappointed and sad and down. I want to end this. So the last thing I did was to Whatsapp him with the following: Alot of things I want to say... Bear with me for awhile okie 😊 Thank you for the things you have done, esp fetching me to and fro airport. Tts 1 of the sweetest thing and I m really touched. I tot u will ask me out to get to know each other more. Treat u differently in office cos I duno how u tink n I m not comfortable when pple talks. I m sad when nothing happen in the past 1 mth or so. Maybe it's just me 1 sided. Duno when u will read this but it's okay. I just want to let u know how I think. I will b pro in office 😊 I wrote that after walking for about 2km in the middle of the night, tearing often along the way. Finally, I settled down at my void deck. He read it an hour after I sent him but there was no reply from him. I guess I am nothing but a colleague to him. I will live by this phrase: 做不到的事，不要随便讲。I will try my very best to be pro at work as we work in the same office. Now I need the courage to face him in office. I CAN DO IT!! Althought I m still very sad and will still cry over this sometimes. How silly. I need someone to make me forget him. Will this person ever appear?

Seems more calm than usual... Weird...

Ever since he came into my life, things are never the same. There ain't much interaction till V-day 2012. Don't get me wrong. He didn't declare he likes me hahaa... It's
From that day we talk more. Maybe it's because I got him a Man U jersey from London. He gave me a treat in return. Subsequently, I approached him for free rides back home. From Dec till Jun now, he offered meride home from office less than 5 times and I number of times I approached him is at least twice that number. That is how thick skin I am...

Things did get better at times. We did go out on Sats for dinners and once movie. Sats outing is like fortnightly or 3 weeks apart. Usually I will initiate for Sats outings. He will pick me up from my house and drive me back after our outing. That is very sweet.

In Mar, he even came by my house in the middle of the night to give me a cheesecake and hot chocolate, just because I told him I got craving. This act is out of my imagination, not something that I though will happen to, not to say its something that I didn't expect he will do. I was in cloud nine, hundreds to express my happiness.

He also wanted to give me a rose that is made of chocolate in 1 of our outing in Mar. I didn't take it then because I was shock. But when I go back and give it a thought, I know I missed my chance.

These happy times didn't last long. His acts are not consistent, making me confuse. Many times I wanted to tell him not to be nice to me if he don't like me. I told myself to have an end on my B-day. Just nice, I planned a trip 2 days after my B-day. So I planned to tell him straight. Even if he reject, I have the trip to forget about things.

However, I didn't get to execute it. Before my B-day, I did asked him alot of questions, like how come you give me a chocolate rose, why did you detour to get cheesecake and hot chocolate for me, etc... I never have answers. But he treat me dinner on my B-day, the exact date.

During my trip, we did communicate through WA but only 1 message each (with some days no message from him). On the day before I came back, I asked him if he will come fetch me from airport. My flight will arrive at 7am. Knowing he will say no, I still asked, hoping to get a surprise. Well his answer is: I already told cab uncle to fetch you from the airport. What an answer!!

Had terrible week right after I was back from my trip. Worked over-time 4 day in a row!! I did asked him for a dinner delivery but he say NO!! Because I cursed him that morning. Well okay I accepted it. But what is surprising is the breakfast he bought for me the next morning. I never thought he will do that. To thank him for his breakfast, I offered to give him a treat. And yes we went for dinner on Fri, the first day without working over-time.

We had dinner and that's it. In the journey back home, he keeps teasing me which make me ponder: should I give him the gift I got for him from my trip? Well in the end, I still gave him just before I got off his car. I took a lift and got home. I did peeped out my window and saw him still in the carpark. He text me, asking if I reached home. To my surprise, he offered to give me a ride to airport the next day as I am going off for a short weekend trip.

Got back on Sun. Just when I am about to get off the plane, I text him: I am back!! He replied: So early? He really know when to give me surprises. Since he didn't fetch me for my B-day trip, I didn't think he will come fetch me for this short weekend trip. I felt sorry as I was already in a cab when he told me he reached airport. I knida explain why I took a cab, even though I did mention I will take train back home.

I tried to hint that my friend is introducing a guy friend to me. I thought he will ask me who and how is the meeting. But he didn't. I told him I will go have meal with this new friend and he say no, worrying that I might get stomach upset again, because I had stomach upset 2wks ago. I told him that I can always recover again. He replied okay. So what does this okay means? He didn't reply anymore.

I can't sleep because he didn't reply. He is not, abit, worried that the new guy friend will chase after me. He show no concern about that. Is he that confident that I am wholly attracted to him? I am angry because he is not abit jealous. So I text him at 4am!! Telling him, I am yearning for an answer which I know you would give me.

So over the weekend, I off my mobile phone and had activities myself. To my disappointment, he didn't contact me at all. Is he angry with me? How come he didn't even text me to ask me how come I can't sleep at 4am?

I thought I will feel upset or embarrassed today, 1st day after weekend. But to my surprise, I am calm. I didn't have lunch with my colleagues. I didn't have interaction with him at all today. Although we didn't interact, he is always within my surrounding. I have to put my heart and mind to determine to give it an end. I will NOT initiate to contact him. I believe I can do it this time.

He came into my life. Did he made a mess or nest?

Noted my last post was in Aug, the same time as he comes into my life. A new team member. Initially he changed my lunch habit. Due to previous bad mouth incidents, my lunch habit is to look for my friend who worked nearby for lunch. After he joined, he will ask me to join in their lunch session. This was the first change.

In almost 90% of the lunch sessions, he would sit infront of me, making my heart beating out of control. He is tall, tan, good looking (at least I think that way) and sociable. But I am introvert, I do not open to others after first few conversations.

The other change that he brought about is making me more proactive to want to know him. As I say I am introvert, this is really the first few time that I want to get to know a guy. I started to SMS him but his response really makes me back off abit. Short and 'sweet' answer which I do not know how to prolong our SMS conversation. Is it because we are still not familiar with each other? Or he sense that I am interested in him, making him not wanting to share things with me? I really want to know!!

2 months after he entered my life, we started to talk more. On the day before his birthday, I sms him, wishing him happy birthday and asked about his plans since he took leave on his birthday. He had no plan so I dated him out for dinner. That is the first time we went out, just the 2 of us. Exciting but not that happening hahaa... We went to a ramen restaurant which he suggested and coffee at TCC. I did get to know him more.

A few days after that, he sms me, offer to give me a ride home after work. I was on cloud nine that day, feel that way even when I go to bed at night. Subsequently, we had longer conversations, through sms or face to face. I would initiate the conversation most of the time. I started to think if he has the slightest feeling for me. Seems like no as I am the one who initiate most of the time. I began to feel tired, after 2 weeks of trying harder to know him. I start to question myself if I should continue to do this.

My friend, SH, told me that I should give us more time to get to know each other. Her case makes me feel sad and disappointed towards BGR. She know AL for 1 year and had crash on him for another year. She then feel that it is time to end this uncertain relationship. She said, wherelse for me, I only get to know him for 4 months only an should give more time. I wonder if I can go on for another year, not knowing of he likes me or not. This is a terrible and horrible feeling. I HATE IT!!

Life life life.... sigh....

Emotional moment is here again... Thinking: what is the meaning of living? Is living for ourselves or others? Why are we so affected by others? Or rather, why am I so affected by others?

Every little things that I do affect others. So does others affecting me. How come people can just ignore or neglect others' feeling and do their own way? Have they not know how much an impact their result can cause to others? Have they not know their actions indirectly affects them in future? How come they be so sure that their actions will not backfired?

I always do not and cannot understand this. I try to be nice to people but somehow, people do not appreciate it and yet abuse it. To protect myself, I have to turn hostile and wary. This make my life so tiring. When I does this, this also make the other person's life very tiring too. So can't all think positively and think in the shoes of others. I am not asking people to not move forward. I am just asking people to move forward and yet looking out for other's. I know this might cause people to move slow but it is more of a win-win situation.

Think about it. I hope everything can goes more smoothly and cause less pain.

Motivation or Psycho-ed?

Last Fri, my friend, SY, dragged me to a talk that talks about making changes to yourself and hence your world. I was not keen to go as I think this is just another talk to psycho people into positive thinking and so. When I met up with my friend after work, I was shocked to find out that there are only 3 person attending this talk: me, SY and another person. This talk was introduced to SY through her friend, Mr J.

When I met up with Mr J, he brought another colleague, Mr S, along. They were colleagues in the same company while SY and Mr J were uni friends. Before the talk began, I had a stereo thinking that this talk is about thinking positive and psycho-ing people. When the talk began, the speaker, DT, talked about making changes and thinking of the source and not the result, I see a little difference. It is more than thinking positive. It also makes you think of what you really are, instead of what you think you are. This makes us accept what we are not as we are all not perfect.

When DT talked about how she talked to her boss to talk about her promotion and increment, I got alittle inspired. I also want to do that and yes I will do that. I am meeting my boss on Wed and I will take this chance to talk to him about what is his plan for me.

Today is Wed and I am looking forward to this chance to talk to him.